A mommy with a secret...

As Mother's Day approaches, I wanted to recognize those moms out there with a secret!  A deep secret that they hide down in the depths of their sole, to spare the world of their empathy.  Many moms carry this secret around with them, some days tearing away at their heart at almost unimaginable proportions.  These moms walk this earth daily, they are all around us!  They may be the lady at your bank, the cashier at the grocery store, your neighbor, your mail lady, or even your child's teacher.

How would you define a mom?  How would you pick a mom out of the crowd?  Would it be her pushing a stroller, or carrying a diaper bag?  A young child holding her hand as she carefully walks across a parking lot?  A lady sitting on the sidelines of a child's soccer game?  Or maybe you can tell she's a mom because she drives a mini van and bakes cookies for the school fundraiser??

What about the moms out there who conceived a child, carried that child in her body for several months,  started decorating the nursery, and buying tiny little baby socks only to find later in her pregnancy the baby will not make it to the physical world.  An Angel baby.  These are the mom's I speak of.  Mother's day comes and goes and because of their secret, no one celebrates them as a mom.

 Many don't realize the pain, unless you have been through it.  Some of these moms have loved their babies full term only to visit labor and delivery and leave empty handed.  Babies born still.  Some of these moms return home to a full nursery only to start planning a funeral, memorial, or cremation.   These moms go home and have to recover from child birth.   Days later these moms  have to find a way to soothe the engorgement of their lactating breasts with no little mouth to feed.  They need to figure out what they will do with all their baby clothes, diapers, and nursery furniture, and when is the right time to take it all down?  They do all this while returning to their daily errands without anyone realizing they  just became a mom.

When we gave birth to my angel baby we were five months pregnant.  We knew the Sex, had his name picked out, his crib assembled and all his clothes already purchased.  I already loved him and could picture him crawling around and playing with his siblings.  Zaiden would have been our fourth child.  You know they say 1 in 4 pregnancy's end in miscarriage...this was my unfortunate reality! We delivered him the day before fathers day.  Afterward when someone would ask me how many kids I had, I would tell them four!  I was always going to include him as one of my children!  Then they would ask their ages.  I would tell them the ages of my other three children and then have to explain my angel baby.  Now when asked if I'm a mom and how many kids I have, I say three.  Quite frankly it got too hard to constantly see the peoples face and knowing they hadn't the slightest clue as to what to say.  I became a Mommy with a secret!

Mommy's with secrets carry on.  They go about their days.  Some days harder than others. they go about their days with their little secret tucked away in their heart and mind.  They remember the birthday. They remember the pain of labor.   They remember the lifeless body.  They continue to remember their secret little angel.  I was fortunate enough to have three healthy pregnancies before Zaiden.  It gave me a new appreciation for the kids I did have with me in this physical world.  I hug them a little tighter now and love them more than I thought was possible.  I was lucky to come home to three awesome kids!  Some moms with a secret don't have that luxury.  Some moms carry many secrets!  She doesn't  have the diaper bag or mini van to let you know shes a mom.  She has never got to sit at her child's soccer game or have their little arm dangling from her fingers as she walks across a parking lot.  But she is still a mom!

She is a mom of an angel!  Her child was simply too beautiful for earth!  She will see her child when she sleeps, when she daydreams, or maybe even while she is checking you out at the grocery store!

So to all the Moms with a secret.  Happy Mothers Day!!  You are a mom of an angel, which makes you even more special!  Bless your heart and your secret!