Friday, April 17, 2015

A mommy with a secret...



As Mother's Day approaches, I wanted to recognize those moms out there with a secret!  A deep secret that they hide down in the depths of their sole, to spare the world of their empathy.  Many moms carry this secret around with them, some days tearing away at their heart at almost unimaginable proportions.  These moms walk this earth daily, they are all around us!  They may be the lady at your bank, the cashier at the grocery store, your neighbor, your mail lady, or even your child's teacher.

How would you define a mom?  How would you pick a mom out of the crowd?  Would it be her pushing a stroller, or carrying a diaper bag?  A young child holding her hand as she carefully walks across a parking lot?  A lady sitting on the sidelines of a child's soccer game?  Or maybe you can tell she's a mom because she drives a mini van and bakes cookies for the school fundraiser??

What about the moms out there who conceived a child, carried that child in her body for several months,  started decorating the nursery, and buying tiny little baby socks only to find later in her pregnancy the baby will not make it to the physical world.  An Angel baby.  These are the mom's I speak of.  Mother's day comes and goes and because of their secret, no one celebrates them as a mom.

 Many don't realize the pain, unless you have been through it.  Some of these moms have loved their babies full term only to visit labor and delivery and leave empty handed.  Babies born still.  Some of these moms return home to a full nursery only to start planning a funeral, memorial, or cremation.   These moms go home and have to recover from child birth.   Days later these moms  have to find a way to soothe the engorgement of their lactating breasts with no little mouth to feed.  They need to figure out what they will do with all their baby clothes, diapers, and nursery furniture, and when is the right time to take it all down?  They do all this while returning to their daily errands without anyone realizing they  just became a mom.


When we gave birth to my angel baby we were five months pregnant.  We knew the Sex, had his name picked out, his crib assembled and all his clothes already purchased.  I already loved him and could picture him crawling around and playing with his siblings.  Zaiden would have been our fourth child.  You know they say 1 in 4 pregnancy's end in miscarriage...this was my unfortunate reality! We delivered him the day before fathers day.  Afterward when someone would ask me how many kids I had, I would tell them four!  I was always going to include him as one of my children!  Then they would ask their ages.  I would tell them the ages of my other three children and then have to explain my angel baby.  Now when asked if I'm a mom and how many kids I have, I say three.  Quite frankly it got too hard to constantly see the peoples face and knowing they hadn't the slightest clue as to what to say.  I became a Mommy with a secret!

Mommy's with secrets carry on.  They go about their days.  Some days harder than others. they go about their days with their little secret tucked away in their heart and mind.  They remember the birthday. They remember the pain of labor.   They remember the lifeless body.  They continue to remember their secret little angel.  I was fortunate enough to have three healthy pregnancies before Zaiden.  It gave me a new appreciation for the kids I did have with me in this physical world.  I hug them a little tighter now and love them more than I thought was possible.  I was lucky to come home to three awesome kids!  Some moms with a secret don't have that luxury.  Some moms carry many secrets!  She doesn't  have the diaper bag or mini van to let you know shes a mom.  She has never got to sit at her child's soccer game or have their little arm dangling from her fingers as she walks across a parking lot.  But she is still a mom!

She is a mom of an angel!  Her child was simply too beautiful for earth!  She will see her child when she sleeps, when she daydreams, or maybe even while she is checking you out at the grocery store!

So to all the Moms with a secret.  Happy Mothers Day!!  You are a mom of an angel, which makes you even more special!  Bless your heart and your secret!


39 comments:

  1. What a wonderful post. There are so many women who expected to raise their babies instead of remembering them.

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    1. Thank you for visiting Buckeyemomsmeet!

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  2. Great post! I had a miscarriage back before I got pregnant with my oldest.it was a tough time but it happened very early on (10wks) so I hadn't prepared yet. Yes, happy mothers day to all mom's including those with secrets!

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  3. This is beautiful. Great post! I think all moms can feel for this situation but nobody can understand it as well as those who have been through it. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thank you for the kind comment and for stopping by Buckeyemomsmeet:). Have a great rest of your day!

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing your story about your beautiful angel baby. It has touched my heart.

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  5. What a beautiful story, I really love it and it's perfect for Mother's Day coming up which so happens to be one of my favorite days of the year!

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    1. Thank you, I also really love Mother's Day!

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  6. Mother's Day can be so bitter sweet! I had trouble getting pregnant and miscarried twice. I wasn't far along either times, but it was heart breaking. Thanks for reminding us of so many moms with angel babies. Beautiful story!!

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    1. Thank you for stopping by buckeyemomsmeet! Have a beautiful Mothers Day :)

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  7. I remember when my Father died, my Mom was devastated but when my brother died, she was crushed! She's still grieving till this day, 11 years after. Thank you for sharing yours!

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    1. Oh, that must be so hard on your mom! Bless her heart! Thank you for stopping by buckeyeMomsMeet!

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  8. Such a sad thing to go through. Always know your angel baby Zaiden is watching over you. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and it broke my heart. I long for another child and a sibling for my son but it doesn't seem to be happening. Happy Mothers Day to you x

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    1. It is a sad thing to go through! Very heart breaking! I constantly feel my angel Zaiden very near as I am sure your sweet angel is as well! Enjoy your day this Mothers Day!

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  9. This is a beautiful post. I'm sure that was a hard thing to go through but you'll always have him watching over you and your family. I hope you have a great mothers day

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    1. Thank you for stopping by BuckeyeMomsMeet! Have a beautiful rest of your day!

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  10. What a heartfelt and touching post. You are of course, 100% correct with what you are saying. Happy Mother's Day to those mommies (and you) from me too. :)

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    1. I try and be as open and heartfelt as possible so people can get to know the mom behind the keyboard :). Thank you for the kind words and have a great rest of your day :)

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  11. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so very sorry that happened to you. *Hugs*

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    1. Thank you for stopping by BuckeyeMomsMeet and taking the time to read my stories :). Have a beautiful rest of your day :)

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  12. This is such a beautiful post. My best friend has PCOS and suffered two miscarriages, and this makes me think of how she deals with it because we've never talked about this before.

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    1. After going through it myself I had come to realize how many people who were close to me had also gone through the same thing, but never talked about it! It is a secret so many women keep locked up inside...thank you for stopping by BuckeyeMomsMeet, have a beautiful day!

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  13. Beautifully written! There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of our little angel. He would be 8 now, and when I look at our other 2 sons, I wonder what it would be like to have 3 boys, would he and my daughter get along, if he would look like them, if they would be great friends....

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    1. It is absolutely amazing to me to have so much love for someone you really have never met. I too think of him daily! Thank you, Katie for taking the time to comment! Love you guys! Have a great rest of your day, and a happy Mothers Day!!

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  14. Wow...just wow. I know your angle baby is with ours. I also lost our fourth child in my 4th month. We had three more children and I just now realized that the miscarriage of twins I had two years ago was my 8th pregnancy, which we lost at almost 4 months. I learned over the years just to say I have six kids, rather than explain where the other three are

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    1. There is a beautiful place adorned with all these beautiful angels! We just carried them long enough to grow their wings! Have the most wonderful Mothers Day!

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  15. This was so touching. Seriously. I teared up at this. Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms out there, whether you know it or not.

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    1. Thank you for visiting Buckeyemomsmeet and for reading my story! Have a beautiful rest of your day :)

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  16. I lost a baby too. I just say 2 kids for the very reason you also do.

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  17. Thank you for sharing your story. It is so touching. Glad that you are able to talk about it and share with all the mommies.

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  18. I'm so sorry to hear this! I haven't experienced this, but I can easily imagine how painful it must be. One of my sisters has four boys. However, she had her first and only girl back in 95', and it was incredibly heartbreaking since she was a stillborn! I believe I took this experience hard as my sister did even though I was just a child at the time.

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  19. This is an amazing post. I am so sorry you lost your Angel Baby. He is always with you in spirit.

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  20. I did not realize the statistics for miscarriage. It is such a terrible thing. I am so sorry you had to go threw that.

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  21. This is a beautifully sad post. Thanks for the very good writing and information. My sister has an angel baby. I wish I could cheer her on her baby's birthday all the time.
    It's not something you can forget.
    I'm sorry for your loss *HUGS*

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  22. Beautifully written, your way with words brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry about your loss and can't imagine how you feel. I never knew the statistics for miscarriage and it's scary to think about as we plan for our first child.

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  23. Beautiful post- thanks so much for sharing. So sorry for our loss.

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  24. I surely have never thought of those moms. Sad and heartbreaking and I feel blessed that I have my son. And I'm sorry for your lose but I know you feel blessed that you still have your three angels. :)

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