The Weekend I Sent My Baby to Heaven and Lost A Piece of My Heart....A Mommy's Perspective. Day One

Friday, June 13th 2014...

  I awoke in the morning at around 5 A.M.  I made my cup of coffee and headed out to the front porch to enjoy the rising sun.  I was excited, I had been waiting for this day for almost two weeks when I made the appointment.  It was finally here!  It was the day I get to see my baby on Ultrasound to confirm he was actually a boy and take some simple measurements.  When I made the appointment around two weeks prior the doctor told me it was going to be fun!  She recommended I bring the kids and my husband to see the baby, because this ultrasound was a fun one!  At this appointment two weeks prior I had my kids with me and they got to hear the babies heartbeat on the little machine and they could hardly wait to see pictures of him at the next appointment.  So as I had mentioned I sat on the front porch drank my cup of coffee, wrote some on my blog, I put my tablet down to go inside for my shower.

Before heading into the shower I told my three kids ages 7,10,&13 to get ready as if they were going to school so we could leave and see their baby brother!  I planned on being at my appointment by 10 a.m.  We arrived at the hospital and met my husband who took the afternoon off of work and was waiting for us in the parking lot.  I kissed him and said, "boy the baby just got excited right when we pulled in, he is kicking up a storm, I think he's excited to show off for everyone"! (This I will eventually find to be untrue).  My family sat in the waiting room.  We were happy, we were joking around about the pictures on the wall being crooked, we were making jokes and jabs at one another not knowing our lives were about to change.  We were called into room number five.  They weighed me in, I gasped as I looked at the number on the scale.  I was thinking to myself,  I better watch it, I'm going to have to get all that weight back off after the baby is born!  We headed down the long hall way into room #5.  I jumped up on the bed and joked around about bringing the whole crew with me today to see the baby!  I looked around and told my girls there were more seats in the back that they could probably see better!  The ultrasound technician told me to pull my shirt up and she put some paper napkin folded over my pants.  She squirted the warm gel on my protruding pregnant belly and and immediately asked, "when was your last doctor visit?"  I replied, "oh about two weeks ago, it was just normal routine where we heard the heart beat and stuff!"  The nurse replies with, "I have some bad news..."  I say, "uh oh". The words that will forever have changed my world escaped her lips, "NO HEARTBEAT"....

Time stood still after those words.  I just heard his heartbeat less than two weeks prior.  I didn't understand!  Maybe she was wrong??  How do I react?  So many things were rushing through my head.  The nurse continued to look around for cysts and took some measurements.  I finally came to and asked, "do you know how long?" She looked at her measurements and said it had been for about a week from what they could guess.  She stood up and walked out of the room to call my doctor.  I looked over at my husband, who looked in disbelief.  Then I scanned my eyes around the room at my other children whom I then realized did not know what was going on.  With a shaky voice I quietly say to them, "OUR BABY IS IN HEAVEN NOW".  By this time another technician came in to confirm the findings and offer his condolences and send us on our way.  They told us wait in the waiting room until we hear from your doctor on what he wants you to do next.  We were back in the waiting room, less happy this time, not joking with one another, but now trying to be one another's support.  The room was full of pregnant ladies and babies excited about their appointments and my family was crying.

We finally are told my doctor was in surgery.  "Go home and wait for his phone call and he will instruct you on what to do next."  I was scared to death!  I was sickened by the fact I now had something dead inside of me and I wanted it out!  It was no longer my baby I loved, for he was already in heaven....But his body.  I was worried to go home.  I did not want it coming out at home, I couldn't deal with that!  I was worried to go to the bathroom.  I just kept saying, "What now?" How is this 10 inch baby going to get out?  I had absolutely no clue what was about to happen next!  

We returned home and I literally sat there with my entire body clinched!  I was so worried the baby's body was going to fall out!  I don't know how long I was home, it could have been five minutes or two hours.  I was numb!  I was scared.  I sat with my phone in my hand and waited.  The doctors office finally called and told me I needed to go in right away!  I told them, I could be there in fifteen minutes.  I hugged my husband tight and kissed him and said, "you stay here with the kids and I will call you later to tell you what is going to happen next!" I got in my car and rushed to the doctors office, crying the whole drive...hysterically!

I finally got to the doctors office.  I wrote my name on the clipboard and checked in like any normal visit.  I sat there with a lot of expectant mothers with their pregnant bellies popped out, mothers to be exiting with ultrasound pictures smiling and happy.  I just sat...numb...holding back tears.  The receptionist finally calls me and is confused by my check in.  I didn't have an appointment.  Who was I there to see?  I told her, "I was just phoned and told to come in right away, I'm not sure who I'm suppose to see."  She asks, "oh for just a normal check up?"  I begin crying and tell her, "no I just was getting an ultrasound and there is no heartbeat".  The whole room got somber.  I can feel all eyes and ears of everyone in the waiting room on me as the nurses start offering their condolences.  They pulled me back, weighed me again and brought me to room #6.  I sat in the room I was in just two weeks prior and heard his heartbeat, 165 beats per minute.  I sat there and waited to hear the answer to, WHAT HAPPENS NOW...

The doctor entered the room, she was almost in tears.  She gave me a hug and asked, "what did they say!?"  I said, "no heartbeat"...  The Doctor goes on to say, what happens now is you go straight to Labor and Delivery!  The baby is big enough now that you will have to deliver!  She said she was very sorry and she will call and let them know you are on your way!

I was scared to death!  I drove myself to the hospital parked my car in the shade of a tree and walked myself to the elevators.  The doors of the elevator opened, I stepped inside.  Second floor labor and delivery, I pushed the button.  The next time the elevator doors opened, I would be brought into a room where my life will be forever changed.  I walked up to the check in counter.  I felt silly.  They looked me over as I walked up, as if they were thinking (she's way too small to be in labor, what does this girl want?). "Can we help you?"  I respond, "my doctor called and said I was coming."  "Your name please..." "Ronda Ogilvie". Again the room got somber..."our condolences."  "Sit in triage and we will get your room ready."  I sat and I sat and I thought about how my day had unfolded.  I watched mommies-to-be walk around and around in circles trying to further along their labor.  I saw women waiting and crying in pain with fear on their faces of their upcoming delivery.  I watched a young lady and her baby discharging with balloons and flowers and baby bags.  People walked by, nurses walked by.  I watched baby bassinets roll by and scales.  The walls littered with breast feeding and new mommy tips.  I sat there and just wondered, why??  Why me?  Why now?  What did I do?  What will I do now?  How are my husband and kids doing?  What did we do to deserve this?  We are a family who wanted this baby!  I ate right!  I did not smoke or drink or eat raw fish!  I exercised, I took my prenatal vitamins, and made every doctors appointment.  Why are we being punished??

Two nurses come out of the double doors and their eyebrows are frowning and I know they are coming for me.  They walk up and offer their condolences, introduce themselves and show me to my room.  Room 231 is the room I will spend the next three days in.  They have me get undressed and into my hospital gown.  They remove the bassinet and baby heat lamp from the room.  They won't be needing that.  All of a sudden I'm in a labor and delivery bed, an array of hospital bracelets adorn my right arm.  One Nurse is taking blood, another nurse is getting my IV line set in my hand, and another nurse asking me routine questions about my health and allergies.  Then I am left alone with my thoughts...

We live a state away from any family.  I did not want my kids to see what was about to happen in the delivery room.  I wasn't even sure I wanted to see what I was about to be exposed to.  I called my husband and told him my room number and see if he could get his mom to drive out to be with the kids.  He was worried and didn't want me alone.  I told him that the doctors had told me it may take a few days and to please not worry.  He called his mom and she agreed to drive out first thing in the morning to be with our other children.  The nurses came back and started me on medication to start contractions.  They offered me pain medicine, medicine to help me sleep, and anti nausea medicine.  I agreed to all of it because my brain was on overload and I needed some rest for my upcoming labor.  One by one medicine was pumped into my IV and in about five minutes...lights out!

...Continue to follow me as I deliver and lay baby Zaiden Brody Ogilvie to rest...